The Need to be Free

Normally I would turn some of what I’m about to write into some kind of a story but right now I just want to write freely and not think about it too much.

Here’s the thing, I’m stuck. I’m with someone I don’t really want to be with and I still love someone who I can’t have. The person I’m with is an amazing guy but I just can’t handle it right now. What I need is just to be alone. I feel like if I can’t have the guy that I’m in love with, then I don’t really want anyone. Maybe I’ll get over him eventually or maybe I won’t. Right now I just know that being alone would be the best for me. But you see, the person I love is someone who really sees me. Although the guy I’m with is great and says that he sees me, he really doesn’t. How could I simply know this? Well you have to ask the guy what little things he likes about you. Like how your face crinkles up a certain way when you’re mad. I’m not sure if mine does that but that would be something that the person I love knows.

First, let me give this person a name before I continue on with more words than are needed. Let us call the guy that I’m in love with William, because I’ve always loved that name. And the guy that I’m actually with and do like in some way will be George.

Okay, so back to what I was saying. William sees me in a way that no one else possibly can. There were a lot of little things about me that he really liked. Like how when I smile, I have a barely decipherable dimple on my left cheek and sometimes on my right. Like how sometimes, when I don’t even notice, I randomly open my eyes real wide for no reason at all but just to make awkward moments less awkward I guess. What’s really awesome about this though, is that he thinks my eyes look extra beautiful like that. It’s weird, but cute at the same time. I mean there are more things like that he said he loved about me and probably more that he kept to himself. He wasn’t a very open person but he was starting to. I don’t know if that scared him away or what made him not want to be with me anymore but all I know is that he’s gone. I want him to come back to me so badly. He said that one day he might but as for now, we don’t even talk. And that sucks because I would’ve been happy with at least just being his friend.

Anyways, I think I really need to break up with George but I don’t want to hurt him and in order to do that, I would have to let him take me out or something. I don’t want to go out. I haven’t been feeling my best. Just a few weeks ago I had to undergo surgery and guess what…The surgery didn’t even really work. Ok, I was fine for about a week but then after that, the pain has just been coming back. I just hate how I can’t tell George how I really feel. I like him, I do but I don’t think this could become a future thing. The problem is that George could possibly be the absolute ideal boyfriend. He’s basically the sweetest guy I know but I’m just not attracted to him physically. I know that sounds really shallow but it’s not like I date these super gorgeous people. I date people for their personality and then not long after we start dating, they become more and more attractive to me but this is not happening with George…And when I kiss him, I don’t feel anything. Nada. Zip. I want to be able to feel something when I kiss someone.

I think it’s just best if I’m alone for a while. I want to be able to flirt and have fun and not be tied down to anyone. I want to be free until I’m able to feel that passion that I did and still do for William. I just wish I didn’t have to feel so guilty about wanting to be free…