The Need to be Free

Normally I would turn some of what I’m about to write into some kind of a story but right now I just want to write freely and not think about it too much.

Here’s the thing, I’m stuck. I’m with someone I don’t really want to be with and I still love someone who I can’t have. The person I’m with is an amazing guy but I just can’t handle it right now. What I need is just to be alone. I feel like if I can’t have the guy that I’m in love with, then I don’t really want anyone. Maybe I’ll get over him eventually or maybe I won’t. Right now I just know that being alone would be the best for me. But you see, the person I love is someone who really sees me. Although the guy I’m with is great and says that he sees me, he really doesn’t. How could I simply know this? Well you have to ask the guy what little things he likes about you. Like how your face crinkles up a certain way when you’re mad. I’m not sure if mine does that but that would be something that the person I love knows.

First, let me give this person a name before I continue on with more words than are needed. Let us call the guy that I’m in love with William, because I’ve always loved that name. And the guy that I’m actually with and do like in some way will be George.

Okay, so back to what I was saying. William sees me in a way that no one else possibly can. There were a lot of little things about me that he really liked. Like how when I smile, I have a barely decipherable dimple on my left cheek and sometimes on my right. Like how sometimes, when I don’t even notice, I randomly open my eyes real wide for no reason at all but just to make awkward moments less awkward I guess. What’s really awesome about this though, is that he thinks my eyes look extra beautiful like that. It’s weird, but cute at the same time. I mean there are more things like that he said he loved about me and probably more that he kept to himself. He wasn’t a very open person but he was starting to. I don’t know if that scared him away or what made him not want to be with me anymore but all I know is that he’s gone. I want him to come back to me so badly. He said that one day he might but as for now, we don’t even talk. And that sucks because I would’ve been happy with at least just being his friend.

Anyways, I think I really need to break up with George but I don’t want to hurt him and in order to do that, I would have to let him take me out or something. I don’t want to go out. I haven’t been feeling my best. Just a few weeks ago I had to undergo surgery and guess what…The surgery didn’t even really work. Ok, I was fine for about a week but then after that, the pain has just been coming back. I just hate how I can’t tell George how I really feel. I like him, I do but I don’t think this could become a future thing. The problem is that George could possibly be the absolute ideal boyfriend. He’s basically the sweetest guy I know but I’m just not attracted to him physically. I know that sounds really shallow but it’s not like I date these super gorgeous people. I date people for their personality and then not long after we start dating, they become more and more attractive to me but this is not happening with George…And when I kiss him, I don’t feel anything. Nada. Zip. I want to be able to feel something when I kiss someone.

I think it’s just best if I’m alone for a while. I want to be able to flirt and have fun and not be tied down to anyone. I want to be free until I’m able to feel that passion that I did and still do for William. I just wish I didn’t have to feel so guilty about wanting to be free…

Stress is an awful distraction…

Of course, being stressed does distract you but it’s not the best kind of distraction. For about two weeks I wanted to go back to school just so I could have a distraction from a recent event in my life. I knew I would get a lot of homework and would be way too busy to even think. I just forgot how stressful school could be. Everyone thinks that a new year is going to be even more amazing than the last, because you’re one year older and one year closer to entering the “real world.” It’s always those first couple of days that trick you. You get a new syllabus and meet these new wonderful teachers and now you have a false insight into what the actual school year will be like. The truth is that everyone is buttering you up just to distract you from all the crap they’re going to pull on you.

I don’t understand what is wrong with people today. They treat you one way and the next they’re completely changing their minds about you. How can someone just decide not to love you one day? If you really loved someone at all, then it’s going to take a while to make that feeling of love go away. It’ll probably never go away because if you fully gave that person your heart, they’ll always have a piece of it with them. You’ll always have those memories of them. Memories, just like love, don’t disappear. I think a lot of people today are just cowards. They’re afraid to fall in love because they’re afraid to get hurt. But you can’t really control how you feel, no matter how much you think you can. When you meet someone who really gets you, a part of you is already falling in love with them. Why people decide to ignore their feelings are beyond my knowledge. What kind of people are we if we don’t take risks? If we just like to play it safe? Those kind of people never learn anything about life. In order to get through life, we have to continuously make changes and take risks. Even if you have had your heart broken a million times, you should still carry on and try again. Each time you’re more cautious of your heart and of the people you’re around. Of course it’ll take you longer the next time to really fall for someone but because you’ve already experienced heartbreak so many other times, you can read people better. People just become easier and easier to read. You can figure out their games and cut them from your life much faster.

I have had my heartbroken and at first, I didn’t think I could carry on. I thought, “Yeah, this is it. I am never going to find anyone who completed me as much as they did.” I felt like nothing in the world made sense anymore. Everything I thought I knew I didn’t really know anymore. I was so confident in the love that I had with someone that I didn’t expect them to give up on me. They’ve had their heartbroken many times before too and I think they were just afraid that it would happen again. It was the best relationship for both of us and nothing bad happened in our relationship. So why did he decide to just end it? I still have no idea but I really do think he is afraid. And part of me hates him for giving up on what we had. But part of me is still so in love with him and I don’t think I’ll find love like that again. I’m sure I’ll be able to find love again and maybe it’ll be with him again. At first I prayed that we would get back together eventually and of course I still want to but there is just so much anger and confusion in my heart that, just like the love, won’t go away easily. He broke my heart (and his, from what he has said) for no reason at all. He claimed that he didn’t know if he loved me or not or it was just something he “thought” he was feeling but yet, his heart was still breaking because of our breakup? Yeah, I know, that makes absolutely no sense. He knows and I know that he loved (or possibly still loves) me. He’s just ignoring that because he’s “confused” and what I like to think of as a coward and an idiot. One day, he’s going to realize what he lost and regret it. I did everything for him and I was everything he loved in a girl. You can’t just forget all that we’ve been through. A week after the breakup I told him that we were really good together and he said, “were…past tense” and in my mind I’m like, “Um…you mean like a week ago? Two weeks ago?” Only two weeks ago we had seen each other. How you can go from being really in love with someone one day and then a couple of weeks not be in love with them just doesn’t make sense.

But whatever, you (him) just go ahead and play with your little girl play-toy and don’t get upset the next time you see me because I know you’ll miss me. You’ll miss everything I did for you and all the words I spoke to you. You’re going to miss how when I smiled, it was because of you. You’re going to miss how when I laughed, it was because of you. You’re going to miss everything you once said you loved about me: My eyes, my glasses, my kisses, my hugs, my kindness, my generosity, my nerdiness, my shortness, my adorableness, and something you just can’t ignore, my curves. Remember how you loved them? You’ll never find anyone else with nerd qualities, sweetness, thinness, AND curves. Try and date whoever you want but no matter what, you’ll never find anyone else like me and you’ll never find anyone better. Want to know why? Because I was the best you ever had and you gave up on me. I never broke your heart like all those other girls did and I treated you better than anyone. And you want to know what else? You like trash. You like to get with girls you know are going to end up hurting you because you know what to expect with them. With me, you were taking huge steps forward and taking that risk of forever being with someone who actually gave a crap about you. But then you coward away and are probably going to back to what you’re used to. Just know one thing, you are eventually going to regret your decision. You can ask anyone and they’ll tell you the same thing:

I’m not a girl you can forget.